I woke up early this morning and laid in bed enjoying the little tiny feet that had found their way into my bed in the middle of the night. After a few minutes of trying to pretend that I was going to sleep, I climbed out of bed, grabbed my morning beverage -- a cold diet coke, or two -- and headed up to my little haven. It's just the empty laundry room, now furnished with odds and ends from the house, and a couple of inexpensive purchased plants, but it's mine. As I sit here and type I realize that this little space was something I truly needed for myself. Not just the space, but the reality that I'm at a point in my life where I need to find out who I am, who I've become, and who I want to be.
About two months ago I emailed a few women friends that I admire, that seemed happy with their lives. I asked them what made them tick, what made them happy. I was surprised with their responses. One said she fought her own demons every day and that it was a constant struggle. One said she tries, every day, to live the life of who she wants to be, thereby getting closer and closer to that person. And the third was surprised that I thought she was together enough to even ask how she got there. What I realized is that I'm not that far off the mark. That we're all at the point in our lives when our children are not quite out of the house, but will be in the next few years. The kids don't need us like they used to, but we feel the need to be available for most of the time.
In my own case, I have two older girls in a local college, and two younger ones in elementary school that I am homeschooling. I'm stuck right in the middle. My husband has a growing business. I have found myself stagnant. Where is the direction in my life? Did I truly have any direction, or was I just so bogged down with the daily chores that come across my plate as I meander through my days with four daughters and a multitude of pets. I have friends, but they too seemed caught up in the daily stuff.
I've decided that I'm not going to wait until I'm sixty, which is the age I'll be when my youngest is old enough to go away to college. That's a long way away, and certainly I deserve better. So I'm grabbing the two minutes here and there. I'm calling friends and making plans to meet for lunch, or dinner, or even just a phone call -- uninterrupted. The time has come to put myself before others, because what I feared was truly beginning to happen. I was losing myself within the four walls of my home, and my role as mother.
So now my peace and quiet for two minutes is over for the moment, and I close with this thought -- if you were your 95 year old self, what advice would you be giving yourself? I think I would remind myself to take that time, regardless of the energy it takes to get it. Ultimately, it will be worth and truly I am worth it.
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